Becoming Self Possessed...

Being Self-Possessed.

Unique Perspectives: Becoming Self Possessed...

By Kim Stevens

I've always loved the idea of being Self-Possessed.

Not because it describes someone who has all the answers or never gets upset. But because it describes someone who remains connected to themselves. Someone who isn't easily carried away by every emotional wave, every opinion, every criticism, every unexpected event.

Someone who possesses themselves.

I spoke about self-regulation in last week's Unique Perspectives, and I've been thinking a lot about self-regulation and self-possession this week.

Self-regulation is our ability to settle ourselves. To pause before reacting. To breathe. To notice. To respond instead of simply being swept away.

For a long time, I thought that was the goal. Become calm. Stay calm. Don't get triggered. But my understanding has grown. And I actually prefer the idea of self-possession.

I have learned that when something disturbs my peace, instead of immediately asking, "How do I get rid of this?" I'm learning to become curious.

Years ago, I learned about Process Work, an approach developed by psychologist Arnold Mindell. Many of the practices are almost counterintuitive: instead of trying to quiet or get rid of a disturbance, you actually lean into it.

You notice it. Stay with it. Even amplify it a little. Why this? Why now? What is trying to happen?

The Dr. who I worked with on this used to say “Find out what is right about what you think is wrong.” Cool, right?

It sounds strange at first. Almost like a contradiction. But it opens something important. And I really loved the idea of it.

Because sometimes what we label as “wrong” is actually carrying information, direction, or intelligence we haven't yet understood. It may be pointing toward a boundary we haven't honored. A part of ourselves we've neglected. Courage we haven't claimed. Or an attachment to an outcome we're trying desperately to control.

The idea is to uncover the hidden message, quality, or wisdom within the disturbance and then capture the insight.

I just love that.

Because a disturbance isn't simply a disturbance. It's information. And sometimes, what feels wrong is actually trying to show us what is right…  just in a form we don't yet recognize.

To me, real self-possession is not suppressing emotion or pretending I’m above it. It’s simply staying with myself while something difficult moves through me.

And here's the fascinating part this work teaches us: that once the message or quality is consciously recognized and integrated, very often the physical or emotional disturbance begins to relax on its own. Almost as though it no longer needs to shout because it has finally been heard.

If I don't immediately react, I can simply notice. And as I quietly notice… my perspective widens and wisdom begins to emerge. And what I’ve come to understand through this work is that not every insight requires action.  

Sometimes, the wisdom itself is the point.