The 4 M's...

Unique Perspectives: The 4 M's...

By Kim Stevens

The Four M’s: Part 1 - When Caring Becomes Controlling.

Some of my most controlling behaviors have looked remarkably like love.

Helping. Fixing. Reminding. Advising. Taking care of things. Trying to make life easier for someone I care about.

All good things. Until they aren't.

In recovery circles, there is a concept known as the Four M's: Mothering, Managing, Manipulating, and Martyrdom.

I love this framework because these behaviors aren't always easy to recognize in ourselves. Or better said,  weren't always easy to see in me. In fact, most of them can begin with love, competence, responsibility, or a genuine desire to help.

The problem comes when we cross that invisible line between caring for someone and taking responsibility for something that actually belongs to them.

Lets’ go through them.

Mothering: Let me take care of you.

There is nothing wrong with nurturing someone. But mothering becomes unhealthy when we begin treating capable adults as though they can't handle their own lives.

We remind. We rescue. We advise. We anticipate what they need. We protect them from consequences. We do things for them that they could, and perhaps need to, do for themselves.

The question becomes: Am I caring for you, or am I doing for you what belongs to you?

Managing: Let me take care of this.

This one can be particularly difficult for competent people.

We know how to get things done. We organize. We solve problems. We see what needs to happen and make it happen.

Those are wonderful qualities when applied to our own lives. But somewhere along the way, we can start managing other people's lives too.

Their decisions. Their responsibilities. Their relationships. Their emotions. Their outcomes. There is a big difference between managing my life well and trying to manage yours.

Manipulating: Let me figure out how to get you to do what I think you should do.

Manipulation sounds sinister, but often it isn't. It can be incredibly subtle.

Explaining something one more time. Hinting. Withholding. Guilt. Giving with an expectation attached. Arranging circumstances. Saying something strategically because we're hoping for a particular response.

Sometimes manipulation is simply an indirect attempt to control an outcome because we're afraid to let another person choose freely or to ask for what we really want.

Martyrdom: Fine. I'll do everything myself.

This may be the sneakiest of all because martyrdom can look a lot like generosity.

We overgive. Overfunction. Take care of everyone. Say yes when we really mean no. Sacrifice our own needs.

And then we become exhausted, frustrated, or resentful because nobody seems to appreciate everything we're doing.

The cycle becomes: I do too much. I become resentful. I feel unappreciated. And then I do too much again. Then I’m pissed.

When I look at the Four M's together, I see almost a progression:

Mothering: I'll help you.

Managing: I'll handle it for you.

Manipulating: I'll get you to do it my way.

Martyrdom: And after everything I've done for you...

Do you recognize yourself here? Anywhere?

We can mother our adult children. Manage employees who need to learn to manage themselves. Manipulate partners because we're afraid of the choices they might make. Become martyrs in our families, friendships, and workplaces because we've done too much and are perhaps looking for sympathy.

But, why is it so difficult to let other people live their own lives?

Maybe because we're not only afraid for them. We're actually afraid for ourselves.

What if they fail and I have to pick up the pieces? What if they get hurt and I can't bear watching them suffer? What if they embarrass themselves. Or worse, me?

What if their choices affect my life? What if I don't intervene and something goes terribly wrong?

And sometimes, actually, lots of times… if I'm willing to look even more closely, focusing on someone else's problems can keep me conveniently occupied enough that I don't have to look too closely at my own.

None of this means we don't genuinely love or care about people. It simply means that sometimes our love gets tangled up with our fear.

And perhaps that's what's really underneath the Four M's. They may look like attempts to manage other people.

But often, they're misguided attempts to manage our own fear.

Stay tuned for Part 2…