The four M's - Part 2

Unique Perspectives: The 4 M's - Part 2

By Kim Stevens

The Four M’s: Part 2 - Empowered or Dependent?

Last week I ended with a question: Why is it so difficult to let other people live their own lives?

I suggested that underneath a lot of our mothering, managing, manipulating, and martyrdom is fear.

We're afraid they'll fail. We're afraid they'll get hurt. We're afraid their choices will somehow become our problem. We're afraid we won't be okay.

But there is another layer to this.

Sometimes helping people makes us feel powerful.

That's not particularly comfortable to admit. Because I don't think most of us consciously set out to make other people dependent on us. We really do want to help. We love them. We see something they need, something they're struggling with, something we know how to do, and we step in.

And it feels good to be the person who knows. The person who fixes. The person everyone calls. The person who saves the day. The person who is needed.

In Conversations with God, there is an idea that has always stayed with me: what looks like compassion can sometimes actually be a compulsion to help. And when our helping creates dependence, it can become more about our own experience of power than the other person's well-being.

Yeah… Ouch.

The point is never to to feel bad about ourselves. The point is to see clearly what we're actually accomplishing, or not accomplishing.

Because there is a downside to doing too much for another person that I hadn't always considered:

We take something from them.

We take the opportunity to figure it out. To struggle a little. To make the mistake.

To recover from the mistake. To discover a resource within themselves they didn't know was there. And ultimately, we can take away the wonderful experience of being able to say, “I did it.”

I love that moment. I love seeing the gleam in someone's eyes when they have done something themselves, or for themselves, that they weren't sure they could do.

There is pride there. Confidence. Energy. Something has changed inside them.

And when I continually step in and do things for another capable person, there can be a subtle message underneath all of my helping:

“I don't really believe you can do this.”

That's not the message I intend to send. But it may be the message they receive.

And when I really look at it that way, excessive helping can actually be a little condescending. I become the capable one. You become the one who needs me.

And as long as you continue to need me, I get to remain in the powerful position.

That's very different from empowerment.

Real empowerment doesn't make someone need us more. It helps them discover that they are capable of more. This is an incredible gift.

And maybe that's a better way to look at helping. Before I jump in, perhaps I can ask: “Will what I'm about to do leave this person more empowered, or more dependent?”

Sometimes the answer will absolutely be to help. There are times when people genuinely need us. But help doesn't always mean doing it for them. Maybe I teach. Maybe I share what I know. Maybe I ask a good question. Maybe I encourage. Maybe I offer a resource. Maybe I stand beside them while they do the difficult thing themselves.

And sometimes the most empowering thing I can do is simply communicate: “I believe you can handle this.”

That requires something from me too. I have to be willing to tolerate their struggle. I have to let them do it differently than I would. I may have to watch them make a mistake. I have to resist the urge to jump in simply because “I know how.” Or I think I do.

And perhaps most importantly, I have to become secure enough in myself that I don't need to be needed. That's where this comes back to the fear I wrote about last week.

The more I work on my own fears, my own life, and my own faith, the less I need to manage yours.

I begin to trust that even if you fail, I will be okay. Even if you make a choice I don't agree with, I will be okay. Even if something becomes difficult or uncomfortable, I will meet it when it comes. And from that place, something interesting happens. I can actually become more helpful.

Because now I have discernment. I can ask:

“Am I stepping in because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't?” Or: “Is there genuinely something I can offer here that would serve this person?”

Those are two very different kinds of help. One quiets my fear. The other strengthens you.

I've said for years that my mission is “To Refresh, Uplift & Empower the Individual Spirit.”

To me, this is what empowerment really means. Not making myself indispensable.

Not having all the answers. Not creating people who need me. But seeing the individual spirit in another person and helping them see it too.

There is very little that gives me more joy than watching that light come on in someone's eyes: “I can do this.”

And maybe the greatest help I can offer isn't doing it for them. Maybe it's helping them discover that they can.