Flack, After-Burn & Muscle Building...

Unique Perspectives: Flack, After-Burn & Muscle Building...

By Kim Stevens

Flack & After-burn:

Boy did I learn about these two. Honestly, more than I wanted to. But it was all for the good.

I’ve shared before how I crashed and burned trying to keep everyone else happy, and how that way of living eventually caught up with me in the form of stage III breast cancer. That was my turning point.

It was the moment I realized that if I didn’t change the way I was doing life… I might not get to keep it.

We’ve all heard the saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first. Simple concept. Not always simple to live. But I started to try. I began learning how to honor myself. How to set boundaries. How to say no. How to create a life that actually felt like mine.

And thankfully, I had some healthy people around me who helped me through it. I remember one particular moment so clearly. It was the first time I fired a client who had been a real bully and was constantly threatening me.

Before I did it, I called one of those people. I needed the courage. I needed someone to remind me that I was allowed to do this. And then I met with the client and fired him. And he was angry.

After I did it, I called my friend again. I knew it was the right thing, but I was questioning myself. I felt SO relieved, but also wondering if I had just made a huge mistake. Turns out it was the one of the best things I ever did.

Here’s what I didn’t fully understand yet…

People don’t always like it when you stop doing what they want. Imagine that. Some relationships adjusted beautifully. Those rooted in mutual respect and health. Others took a little longer to find their footing. And some didn’t adjust at all. And that’s where the flack comes in.

When you stop playing the role someone is used to, especially if that role benefited them, you may get pushback. If someone is used to getting their way through guilt, anger, or manipulation, they often turn up the volume when that stops working. That’s flack.

And let me tell you… it can be incredibly uncomfortable. Because the stronger the reaction, the more tempting it is to backtrack, to soften, to give in, just to make it stop.

The truth is that that moment and that pressure? That’s the work. I’ve come to see it as the Universe helping me build a new muscle.

Now… the second part of this has nothing to do with anyone else. This is the inside job. And it’s called after-burn.

After-burn is what happens within you after you set the boundary. It’s the wave of guilt, shame, fear, or doubt that comes rushing in. “Was I too harsh?” “Was that mean?” “Am I being selfish?” “Should I fix this?”.

Melody Beattie says, “Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.” That’s after-burn. And here’s the key with this. Those feelings don’t mean you did something wrong. They mean you did something new.

Many of us were raised with messages (spoken or unspoken) that it wasn’t okay to take care of ourselves. That our needs didn’t matter. That being direct was somehow wrong.

So when we start to change that, it feels uncomfortable. But discomfort isn’t danger. It’s growth. Beattie says, “Let it burn off.” Don’t let the after-burn convince you that you’re wrong, or that you don’t have the right to take care of yourself. Because you do.

I remember a therapist once pointing out my pattern. I would set a boundary, and then, because of the flack or the after-burn, I’d go right back and try to smooth it over. Except nothing was actually getting better.

One of my friends and I used to laugh about it. She’d say, “I set a boundary with so-and-so… and then I went and made them a cappuccino.” Funny, and also not funny at all. Because that’s how we undo our own growth.

Listen, setting boundaries in a kind, loving and healthy way is a skill. And in good relationships, it actually strengthens the connection. The truth is, telling someone how you feel, and what you will and will not tolerate, can be an act of real vulnerability.

We understand the importance of building physical strength to stay healthy, but this emotional and psychological strength? It might be even more important.

And I can tell you this from experience: Learning to stand in that moment, without collapsing, without fixing, without abandoning myself, has been one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done.