Freedom, Love & Boundaries?

Unique Perspectives: Freedom, Love & Boundaries?

By Kim Stevens

Boundaries & The Law of Motivation:

Have you ever done something “loving” for someone… and then felt completely exhausted, resentful or even a little depressed afterward?

Yeah… me too.

For a long time this confused me. I thought if something was done in the name of love, it was automatically good. Turns out that’s not always the case.

And before I begin, let me say that almost everything I’m sharing here comes from the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

In the book, Dr. Cloud talks about the Ten Laws of Boundaries. Great stuff. But the one I want to focus on today is Law Number Five: The Law of Motivation.

Here is the idea in a nutshell.

We all know the old adage: It’s better to give than to receive. And yes, I get it. Giving is the bomb. I love it… mostly… unless I don’t.

The problem, Dr. Cloud reminds us, is not the giving itself. The problem is the motivation behind it. The reason we do it, and how we feel afterward. That tells us whether we are giving from a place of love… or something else entirely.

He goes on to list several reasons people struggle to set boundaries and end up doing far more than they should. Among them are:

Fear of losing love or being abandoned.

Fear of others’ anger.

Fear of losing the “good me” (believing that loving someone always means saying yes).

Guilt.

Payback.

Approval.

Overidentifying with another person’s loss or pain.

Sound familiar?

So how do we know when giving has crossed the line? According to Dr. Cloud, the signs are pretty clear: fatigue, depression and resentment.

I love the story he tells in the book to illustrate this. Mostly because I used to struggle with it myself.

A man comes to see Dr. Cloud because he’s depressed. He tells him he’s exhausted and discouraged because he “loves too much.” Dr. Cloud says he’s never heard of such a thing. The man replies, “Oh, it’s simple. I do far more for people than I should, and it makes me very depressed.”

To which Dr. Cloud essentially says, Well… whatever you’re doing, it certainly isn’t love. He then tells the man “Love leads to a blessed state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your love is depressing you, it’s probably not love.”

Boom.

One of the lessons I am most grateful to have learned is to look honestly at my motivation. It tells me very quickly whether I’m on the right path. And I can tell you this for sure: being motivated by fear is NEVER the right path for me.

How many times have we given in the name of love and ended up feeling anything but loving?

Truth be told, I had the whole love thing wrong for a long time. I thought love meant sacrifice. Obligation. Endless availability.

Turns out… I was wrong.

Real love is free. Real love is chosen. Real love does not create resentment and it certainly doesn't create depression.

I’ll close with Dr. Cloud’s final paragraph from this section of the book:

“If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation, which says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.”

Freedom first. Service second.

Now that is a boundary worth remembering.