Is Selfishness a Virtue?

Unique Perspectives: Is Selfishness a Virtue?

By Kim Stevens

How often have you had this conversation in your life?

THEM: So, where should we eat dinner? 

YOU: Oh, I don’t care. Anywhere you want is fine with me. 

Then off you two go, sitting at the corner table of your local pizzeria as you individually pick off the mushrooms from your slice – “Oh, yeah, totally cool, just order the large mushroom pie if you want it.” – and think about how much you were craving a spicy tuna roll all along. (And also how much you dislike mushrooms.)

What motivates us to eschew our own choices in favor of the things someone else wants? We’ve long been taught to put others first, and that’s where I believe this problem begins. “It’s not about you,” the saying goes. Or, “Your truest life is in serving others.” 

Sure, to some extent you do want to maintain a healthy level of altruism, but as Nathaniel Brandon articulates in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, you also want to remember that selfishness is a virtue, and being completely selfish can be hard.

In a thousand ways, we’re afraid to honor how we feel about things, to really articulate our preferences and predilections, to be truly “selfish.” We relent because we’re fearful of another’s look of disapproval and subconsciously, we stop ourselves before any kind of censure can even take place. 

Then there are those who ruthlessly assert their preferences, and will accept no other choice but their own. However, this brand of callous selfishness isn’t what Brandon espouses in his book; it’s just a fear-based reaction compensating for the person’s lack of self-esteem. 

Self-sacrifice can be easy and many people – myself included – often take it as the simple way out. Self-sacrifice allows me to avoid confrontation or worse, have my preferences served up on the scary platter of public opinion, subject to the effects of criticism and judgment by my peers.

But I’ve learned to push past all that. I’ve come to understand that a little bit of what we might call “selfishness” is really self-esteem courageously at play in our lives. When I’m “selfish,” I’m honoring my mind, my thoughts and my preferences. I’m saying “no” to the mushrooms and “yes” to the sushi rolls. Self-sacrifice tends to be seen as some kind of spiritual strength, but in reality, it’s being “selfish” that can be the most powerful strength of all.