Guilt.

Unique Perspectives: Guilt.

By Kim Stevens

Guilt. It’s Not What You May Think It Is.

So this idea blew my mind. A friend of mine once told me that guilt was selfish.

Say what? You’re kidding me.

I had been feeling guilty for a couple of things for years and honestly, I thought it made me a better person. I felt virtuous in my guilt! So to hear that guilt could be selfish? That was hard to believe.

But hear me out.

There are a couple of reasons we might feel guilty, but the biggest one is usually this:Knowing better, but not doing better.

Like maybe you lost your temper with a child or a co-worker. You hit send on that email you should’ve slept on. You snapped when you could’ve paused.

The afterburn of that can sting: 

“Ugh, I should have handled that differently.” Or, “He’s just a kid.” Or, “I should’ve paused before I fired that text off.”  We all have our versions of “I knew better.”

Here’s where it gets interesting and this is what makes guilt selfish:

Either you can do something about it… or you can’t.

If you can, then do it. Apologize. Make amends. Own it. If you yelled at your kid, circle back and say, “Hey, that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”

But sitting in guilt — looping, overthinking, wallowing — that’s not noble. That’s actually self-centered.

Because in that moment, it’s not about the person you hurt anymore, it’s about you.Your feelings. Your image. Your discomfort. Instead of taking responsibility and repairing the connection, you’re just spinning in your own self-focus.

And if you can’t fix it? Then you have to let it go. But do better next time.

For example, I once didn’t thank a friend properly for doing a really nice thing for me… and they passed away unexpectedly before I ever had the chance.

That was a tough one. I couldn’t go back. But sitting in guilt over something I could not change didn’t honor them, and it did not help me live fully in the present.

What I can do is carry the lesson forward. I never wait to say thank you any more. I’m very conscious of this. I thank easily and frequently. I’m more mindful, I love louder. Done. It’s over. No more wallowing in self-pity disguised as virtue. But rather doing it differently and turning the mistake or misstep into a new way of being.

This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially for those who believe guilt equals goodness. It doesn’t.

There is no virtue in guilt. If you can make it right, do it. If you can’t, forgive yourself and move on. Learn the lesson. Do better next time. Period. End of story.

And maybe that’s the real gift — realizing that guilt isn’t proof of goodness, growth is.

When we stop circling the past and start living the lesson, life opens up again. We become more compassionate, more awake, and more available to the people right in front of us.

Because life isn’t asking us to feel bad. It's asking us to be better.