Walking on eggshells?

Unique Perspectives: Walking on eggshells?

By Kim Stevens

Principles Above Personalities:

There’s a recovery phrase that changed my life: principles before personalities.

At first, it sounded simple. Almost obvious. It wasn’t.

For years, I operated my life based on personalities.

Don’t say that… he’ll get angry. Be extra careful… she’ll take it personally. Better smooth that over. Better hide this.

I wasn’t being thoughtful. I was afraid.

Some people move through life with such a large chip on their shoulder that everyone around them adjusts accordingly. “Don’t cross me.” And most of us don’t. We accommodate. We soften. We manage.

Boy, did I do a lot of managing.

I walked on eggshells. I scanned rooms before speaking. I adjusted my tone, my words, sometimes even my values depending on who I was dealing with. It’s exhausting living that way. It fractured me. I think it gave me cancer.

Have you ever told a small white lie to protect someone’s feelings because everything hurts them? Withheld truth because you didn’t want to trigger a reaction? That’s not kindness. That’s fear dressed up as peacekeeping. And it’s a hallmark of co-dependence.

Co-dependence says, “I’ll change myself so you stay comfortable.” It makes someone else’s emotional weather the forecast for your entire day. It hands over your internal compass. And I really do not like that… at all.

Fortunately I learned something different. To operate by principles. Honesty. Integrity. Respect. Courage.

Take honesty. This is a big one. It’s not always easy, especially with someone who turns everything into a personal attack. But what is the alternative? To morph into different versions of yourself depending on the personality in front of you? That’s how you lose yourself.

When we live in reaction to personalities, we don’t just avoid conflict, we abandon ourselves.

And here’s something else I’ve learned: if there is a personality in my life around whom I consistently feel I cannot be myself, not occasionally, but repeatedly, that’s really good information. That’s not a cue to try harder. It may be a cue to create distance. To detach. Sometimes even to let go.

Principles before personalities doesn’t just mean “tell the truth anyway.” It also means I don’t build my life around managing volatility. No code-switching. No personality shifting. That is peace.

Living by principle doesn’t mean being harsh and it certainly doesn't mean ignoring other people’s feelings. It means staying anchored in who we are, even when others are not anchored in who they are.

Principles above personalities. It sounds simple. It is not easy. But it is freeing.

Because when you stop managing everyone else’s reactions, you start managing the only thing you really have control over… your own character.