A Story About Regrets And Responsibility

Unique Perspectives: A Story About Regrets And Responsibility

By Kim Stevens

Empowerment is a REALLY BIG deal for me. And so, as a follow-up to last week's Unique Perspectives about not taking what others do personally, I want to talk about the flip side of that. If I can’t be responsible for other people's actions, then it follows they can't be responsible for mine. Now that's empowering! 

Although not at first … 

Like the old saying goes, the truth will set you free … but first it will piss you off!

The value of this idea is so important to me. I’ve explained many times before how I used to feel like other people and outside situations had such a hold on my life. I felt powerless, helpless, and sometimes even hopeless, without fully realizing what was holding me back.

You’ve heard it many times before, maybe you’ve even said it yourself: They made me so mad! I wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t provoked me! I had to save them because they just weren’t going to save themselves, were they?

I’d like to share a very personal story with you about how this all manifested for me: I had a wonderful friend I adored but my (ex) husband wasn’t so crazy about him. One snowy day, this friend had plowed our driveway and I was so thrilled and grateful for the favor that I wanted to invite him in for a cup of coffee to warm up … except I didn’t. I thought better of it and said nothing, knowing my husband might be upset and I’d have to hear about it all night. So, I stayed in the house, said a quick thank you, and with a wave goodbye, sent my friend, shovel in hand, trudging back through the snow. 

A few days later I got the call. My dear friend had died in a snowmobile accident on the lake. I was devastated. My heart was broken for so many reasons and I deeply regretted giving up the chance to have that last conversation with him. I didn’t take the opportunity to thank him, to tell him how grateful I was to have him in my life. I let the fear of someone else's response change who I was and what I wanted to do.

I did a lot of praying to my friend and after many years of reflection, I feel reconciled about it now, but I resolved at that time to never again allow what someone else thinks, does, says, or feels to become a reason for acting against my own integrity.

In the recovery world, they speak of principles above personalities. This to me is a version of not taking anything personally because it means I no longer allow a personality to influence my principles.