Emotional Poison...

Unique Perspectives: Emotional Poison...

By Kim Stevens

There’s this popular saying I’ve heard time and again:  “A mother is only as happy as her least happy child.”

And every time I hear it, something inside of me tightens.

Not because I don’t love my children with every fiber of my being. I do. But because that quote has been treated like gospel in so many circles and I think it’s worth calling it out for what it really is:

A beautifully wrapped piece of codependence.

Let’s unpack this.

If my joy, my peace, my well-being is entirely dictated by someone else’s emotional state, no matter how much I love them, then I’ve given my power away. I’ve outsourced my inner world to external conditions I can’t always control.

That’s not love. That’s martyrdom. That’s enmeshment. That’s emotional slavery dressed up as devotion. Codependence sneaks in quietly, often disguised as love, loyalty, or selflessness.

We call it being “a good mom,” “a loyal partner,” “a supportive friend.” But often, it’s just a lifelong pattern of people-pleasing and approval-seeking that disconnects us from our own truth.

What does codependency look like? It often shows up subtly, dressed as “being a good person”. Recognize any of these?

People-pleasing: Saying yes when you want to say no. Overcommitting. Avoiding conflict at all costs.Approval-seeking: Basing your self-worth on how others perceive you or whether they’re happy with you.Caretaking: Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, moods, or choices. Fixing or rescuing becomes a role or identity.Over-identifying with others’ pain: Taking on someone else’s emotional experience as your own. Feeling it’s your job to make it better.Self-neglect: Prioritizing everyone else’s needs, dreams, and comfort over your own.Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries: Feeling guilty for protecting your time, space, energy, or emotional well-being.Fear of abandonment or rejection: Bending over backwards to stay needed, loved, or chosen.Emotional reactivity: Taking things personally, especially when others are upset or withdrawn.Need to be needed: Deriving identity and purpose from being “the strong one,” “the helper,” or “the one everyone relies on.”Low self-worth masked as perfectionism: Believing you must be “perfect” to be loved or accepted.Guilt for experiencing joy or success: Especially when others around you are struggling.

Real love… real, conscious love, honors both connection AND autonomy. Yes, I can deeply care. I can show up, sit with the pain, hold space, and help guide. But I don’t have to absorb. I don’t have to match. I don’t have to drown to prove my love.

In fact, what if my joy becomes the lighthouse in someone else’s storm? What if staying grounded in my own peace is the greatest gift I can give? Spoiler alert, IT IS!

I think about my own kids. I don’t want them to feel responsible for my emotional state. I want them to know I’m steady, even when they’re not. I want them to feel safe knowing I’m okay, so they can focus on their own healing, not mine.

There’s a big difference between compassion and codependence. Between love and entanglement. Between empathy and enmeshment.

So let’s stop glorifying emotional martyrdom. Let’s stop calling self-abandonment love. Let’s stop teaching that losing yourself is noble or holy. This isn’t harsh. It’s not cold. It’s not unloving.

In fact, it's the most loving thing of all. Because you can’t pull someone out of a pit by jumping in there with them.