Pillar No. 4: Self-Assertiveness

Unique Perspectives: Pillar No. 4: Self-Assertiveness

By Kim Stevens

I know I say this every week but Pillar No. 4 in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden really IS my favorite one. The pillar? Self-assertiveness, and I could talk about this pillar forever. 

Branden defines self-assertiveness as, “honoring my wants, needs and values, and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality.” That is critical. Whereas the previous three pillars were about internal knowledge, this pillar is where we take the self-esteem show on the road, living with authenticity and truthfulness in the real world. 

You’ve seen the memes: Embrace your life. Be bold. Go for what you want. Make it happen, on and on … Sure, those memes are great and motivating, but a catchy one-liner doesn’t quite capture the nuances of self-assertiveness, which isn’t the easiest pillar to achieve. Keep in mind, self-assertiveness is NOT rebellion. It is not stomping my feet, balling my hands into fists and declaring, “No, I’m not doing it!”

That’s a reactive expression, not an authentic expression. That’s the response of a teenager who has never matured and is stuck in an arrested stage of development. That’s also a response oftentimes rooted in fear, where I’m saying “no” simply because I’m afraid. 

According to Branden, “Sometimes people who are essentially dependent and fearful choose a form of assertiveness that is self-destructive. It consists of reflexively saying ‘no’ when their interests would be better served by saying ‘yes.’”

Real self-assertiveness is much softer than throwing a teenage tantrum or bossing people around. It’s about letting the music inside of me be heard and acknowledging that my life doesn’t belong to others; I’m not here to live up to someone else’s expectations. Self-assertiveness is also not about those things I am against; it’s measured in what I am FOR, what I am willing TO DO to be heard and seen. 

“Self-assertiveness entails bringing ourselves into the world,” says Branden. “To aspire is not yet self-assertion, or just barely, but to bring our aspirations into reality is.”

Ahhh, I just love that. It gets to the heart of Unique Perspectives, where I’m bringing my truth into the world week after week. Sometimes, I click the ‘post’ button and think, “Yeeeesh, what am I doing?” But putting myself out there in this way, on a regular basis, and exercising self-assertiveness gives me the experience of being alive, as Joseph Campbell would describe it.

Some of the sentence stems to complete for the pillar of self-assertiveness are:

• If I had the courage to treat my wants as important …

• When I ignore my deepest yearnings …

• If I’m willing to ask for what I want …

• If I’m willing to let people hear the music inside of me …

• If I want to live more completely … 

I’ll end with this: During my yoga teacher training, I studied the philosophy of the Yamas and the Niyamas that speak of an ethical practice called Satya, which is what living in truthfulness and honesty is all about: “Living the life that cries to be lived from the depth of our being frees up our energy and vitality. We benefit and everyone around us benefits.” Conversely, the Yamas and Niyamas believe that when we “silence and distort ourselves,” we lose our fervor for living. We lose the ability and experience of being alive. 

For me, the experience of being alive is when I allow my truth to see the light of day, to impact those around me, to really be heard. It’s a practice of self-assertiveness because I do it without worrying about other people’s feelings or approval. I do it because it’s what I believe and who I am.