The Pillar of Personal Integrity

Unique Perspectives: The Pillar of Personal Integrity

By Kim Stevens

Pillar No. 6 in Nathaniel Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is the practice of personal integrity. Branden describes integrity as “the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs and behavior.”

When my behavior matches my values, when my ideals match my practices then I know I’m operating with integrity. When I act against my values, I’m going against myself in a very powerful and damaging way.

And often, issues of integrity aren’t big. They’re small, little things that add up over time. Branden says, “the accumulated weight of our choices has an impact on our sense of self. When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less if the policy becomes habitual. We trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all."

I don’t know about you but I absolutely hate the idea of not being able to trust myself. Self trust is one of the most important pieces of this self-esteem puzzle for me. I must have self-trust and so I must integrate my values into every aspect of how I’m living, of how I am showing up in life.

Some sentence completions for this pillar are:

●  “Integrity means to me …”

●  “If I think about the areas where I find it difficult to practice full integrity …”

●  “If I refuse to live by values I do not respect …”

●  “If I treat my self-esteem as a high-priority …”

Personal integrity is also intertwined with the first pillar of self-esteem: living consciously. I must be conscious of what I’m doing and conscious of the fact that I don’t have integrity in those moments when I’m acting at a disconnect to my values and therefore, against my integrity.

As Branden describes: “The more I live consciously, the more I trust my mind and respect my worth. And if I trust my mind and respect my worth, it feels natural to live consciously. The more I live with integrity, the more I enjoy good self-esteem, and if I enjoy good self-esteem it feels natural to live with integrity.”

So, living consciously and living with personal integrity are interrelated, like spokes on the same self-esteem wheel. And I’ve experienced this first-hand. I remember when my sons were very young – maybe 1 and 4 years old – and my older son hit my younger son. And so I grabbed his little arm and as I was doing so … I actually said out loud … “No hitting!” I was genuinely startled as I became completely conscious in that very moment as to what I was about to do. That was a big turning point because I was experiencing a moment of complete lack of integrity and I didn’t even know it. I was unconsciously incompetent to the fact that what I was about to do and what I was saying and what I believed were completely dissonant things. 

One of my favorite meditation books talks about congruence and the idea of being in harmony with my feelings, thoughts and behavior. They must match for me at all times, and when I started actually practicing personal integrity I remember telling a friend that I finally felt like one person, not different versions of myself depending on the circumstance. I was one way in one scenario, another way in another scenario, constantly molding myself like a piece of unfinished clay to whatever situation I was in, not really ever considering my personal values in a given situation. Or better said, considering them, but not willing to act in accordance with them. I wasn’t really solid in my own being. Once I started integrating myself and acting concurrently, I felt so grounded, so good. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it and it felt right … in my heart, my gut, my bones.

Now I think if you ask most people, they would tell you that the Kim Stevens they know at work is the same Kim Stevens with her family, in the yoga studio, at home, at a workshop or hanging out with friends. I’ve become one person. Whole. I am integrated in my values, my beliefs, my thoughts, my feelings and most importantly my actions … and it’s all because I am now consciously allowing my personal integrity to lead the way.