The Second Pillar: Self-Acceptance

Unique Perspectives: The Second Pillar: Self-Acceptance

By Kim Stevens

Today we explore a vital pillar of self-esteem: SELF-ACCEPTANCE. 

What is self-acceptance? In author Nathaniel Branden's words, it’s a “refusal to be in an adversary relationship with myself. When I have self-acceptance, I’m on my own side. I’ve got my own back” … as it should be. 

I think some people believe if they don’t accept themselves, they can’t change, but Branden explains that self-acceptance is the precursor to whatever change I want to see. If I can’t accept some part of myself that I don’t like, I’m not in a position to change it. If I don’t acknowledge that I’m moving in the wrong direction, how can I possibly move in a better one? 

For my morning practice, here are the a few of the self-acceptance sentence stems I complete: 

• If I am more accepting of my body…

• If I am more accepting of my pain…

• If I am more accepting of my excitement…

• When I deny or disown my joy (or excitement or pain or body)...

Self-acceptance is the ability to relax into whatever emotion I’m feeling, accept it and embrace it, even if it’s not what I want to experience at that time. For instance, if I’m feeling angry or hurt or resentful, I might not want to admit any of that and I hold firm against my admission, which keeps me tense. Branden says self-acceptance is accepting that I may not like the negative emotion I’m feeling, but I can accept that I AM feeling it, which is when I start to relax and unclench. 

If I try to resist accepting something undesirable – like my behavior or a negative feeling – I’m really pushing against it, and when I stop pushing against it, I not only feel less tense but also reduce the likelihood I will continue to do it. I’m giving myself permission to experience my emotions and behavior, to accept them and in doing so, to move into a deeper level of awareness where, as Branden explains, “important information presents itself.” 

And that gets me to another crucial piece of this self-acceptance puzzle: When I accept my fear, anger, insecurities, whatever those negative things may be, and I start to place context around them, I begin to have compassion for myself and an understanding about why I feel the way I do.

“When we fight a block it grows stronger, when we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt,” says Branden. I love that word – MELT. Resistance really is persistence. When I remove resistance and replace it with self-acceptance, the tension, the anxiety all begins to melt away. 

Does this mean self-acceptance is always about accepting the negative behaviors or aspects in my life? Not at all. Brandon says “the ultimate crime against ourselves is the disowning of our positives.”

Branden adds: “We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side, from anything that makes us stand out or stand alone or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us or that asks that we breakthrough to a higher level of consciousness. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny or disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness … because it frightens us.”

It’s why I have the Maryann Williamson poem hanging outside of my office as a self-acceptance reminder: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us …”

Sometimes, in the journey toward self-acceptance, we’re afraid to accept our not-so-favorable attributes and we’re equally as scared to accept our talents, our intellect and our beauty. True self-acceptance is about accepting it all.