The Third Pillar: Self-Responsibility

Unique Perspectives: The Third Pillar: Self-Responsibility

By Kim Stevens

Let’s dive into one of my favorite pillars of self-esteem: SELF-RESPONSIBILITY. 

I know I say this almost every time we explore a new pillar but I really love this one! Taking (or taking back) responsibility for yourself is endlessly empowering, you get control over your life and realize the only person responsible for your suffering or your happiness is … you. 

Self-responsibility is an essential facet of self-esteem and, as The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem author Nathaniel Branden explains, it’s also a reflection or manifestation of self-esteem. He lists several critical realizations embedded within the practice of self-responsibility, so if I’m truly exercising this pillar, these are some of the awarenesses I’ll embrace: 

• “I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.”

• “I am responsible for my choices and actions.”

• “I am responsible for my behavior with other people.”

• “I am responsible for how I prioritize my time.”

• “I am responsible for the quality of my communications.”

• “I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live by.”

• “I am responsible for my personal happiness.”

That last one for me was just WOW. I’ve talked about this many times before but I used to put my happiness in someone else’s hands and the practice did not serve me well. When I finally realized that I alone was responsible for my happiness, my life took off like a rocket ship in a wonderful, new direction and the sky was truly the limit on the amount of happiness I could experience … and still do. 

And when I’m filling out my sentence stems for this pillar, they would be:

• If I take full responsibility for my choices and actions …

• If I take responsibility for how I prioritize my time …

• If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness…

• If I take responsibility for my present standard of living...

• If I take responsibility for making myself anxious (or depressed or helpless) …

Branden says self-responsibility shows up “as an active orientation to work and life rather than a passive one.” I know exactly what he means. When self-responsibility is present in a person I know it, just like I know when I’m practicing this pillar myself. Someone who is self-responsible is presented with a problem and instead of complaining or spending time stressing out or blaming others, they immediately ask themselves, “Well, what can be done here? What are the possible solutions and what action can I take?” If a situation goes awry, a self-responsible person questions THEMSELVES, inquiring into their thought process or reaction: “Did I miscalculate?” “Was I thinking about this situation in the wrong way?” “Was there something I missed here?” And then, they’ll go back to the solution-mode: “How can this be fixed? What can we do next? What makes this better?” They’re not protesting. They’re not saying this isn’t on them to fix. They, as Branden describes, “indulge neither in alibis nor in blaming. They are typically solution-oriented.” 

A self-responsible person takes full responsibility for their actions, their thoughts and their behaviors. They’re responsible as much for their happiness as they are for their miscalculations or missteps. Both are part of this process of being a self-responsible human who is defined by accountability and a forward-moving mentality for progress and positive change. Someone who isn’t self-responsible might even enjoy feeling sorry for themselves or relish in their suffering. But when they embrace self-responsibility, they realize even these feelings too are part of what they’re responsible for bringing about in their lives, and by practicing self-responsibility, everything can change. 

When I say I really love this one it’s because it’s like I was given a permission slip from the Universe … I no longer believe I am here on earth to live up to anyone else’s expectations and I give up the lie of being unable to change. And for that, I am eternally grateful.